At what cost?

For as long as I can remember, there are always people expecting things from me. No matter where I am, no matter what I do, no matter how good I did it, there's always someone else who expects me to be better. But what does it take to be better? what do we have to sacrifice just to list up the priority? does it really worth all the pain?

This is not the life I want to live. I worked double, only to be assigned with a heavier task. I never have time to be with the one I treasure the most. My biggest regret is that I never gave enough, I never praised her enough.

I know I commented her a lot, scolded her. But that was because I care for her the most. For I know nothing she did wrong would made me love her less. When I was away, there was nothing I wanted more then coming back to see her. When I missed having dinner together, I kept the faith in my heart, hoping that some day I could make it up.

Call me childish, call me naive, call me a fool, but I do believe in true love. One love, one person, for the rest of my life. You may call it a pipe dream, but that's what I wanted and that's what I want to be. My love is not for fun. I wouldn't say it if had no intention of keeping it forever.

Now it just seems impossible. No matter how hard tried, I always got pulled to a direction I don't want to go. I wish one problem only comes when the one I'm facing is solved. I have issues, I have problems on my own, I want to have my own time, I want to be with the one I love. But there are people who depend on me. I must not crumble, I must not break down or those who rely on me will crumble too. Being the first son, I have to look strong in front of my family. As I climb up the career ladder, my boss, my clients, my friends and colleagues would hold on to me even more.

Why do I have to lose ? Why do I have to give up hope? Because the best is yet to come? Even so shouldn't it be my choice whether or not I want to be with the best? Why do I have to pay the consequences for something I never wanted? I'm already here, 1000 miles away from home, away from my lovely nephew, away from my family who loves me. And my only joy was when I had her by my side. Why is it taken away from me?

If only my prayers were answered, I'd give up everything else. I wish the Lord would give me what I want instead of what I need. The fact that I don't want it means I don't need it now. I don't want to be with the best. What she is now, is enough for me. It's my choice, and I've made it along time ago.