A bridge too far

it's almost midnite. I've just finished praying. Tired, but my heart can't rest yet.
I've said it before I have no interest in war. but somehow that's the only title I can think of for now. I guess the battle in my heart isn't over yet.

I know writing about how difficult it s to think as an analyst from a programmer perspective is probably more useful. Plus, it helps reminding me of tasks I should have done. But for now. that thing would have to wait. I can't focus anyway. Not when my heart is like this.

Why a bridge? It's a symbol of a path to another place. Some bridges are never meant to be crossed. I'm afraid what I'm writing here is one of them.

To me, Love is more beautiful and convincing if it grows out of friendship. I want to be sure it's love that I have in my heart, not passion, not ambition, and not just a physical attraction. Even more important, I want her to see the real me. Not me pretending to be cool, or cheeky, or anything that I'm not. I need to know if she's going to accept me the way I am, be proud of what I am, just as I am proud of her.

From friendship to love is not an easy step. I always have doubt in my heart. If no one supports me, does it mean I'm not good enough for her? Is it alright to say it? when the love fails, we might never get back. Which one you value the most? Your friendship or your love in your heart? How can you be sure it wont fail? that your love will last forever?

I believe love is not blind. Love admits what she can be, and what she can not be. Everything that she is and is not. It doesn't overlook the weaknesses but receive them. Likewise, love sees the future, it sees the obstacles and recognize it. For the sake the one I dear the most, I would have made sure the burdens are easy to bear.

If you think love is all you need to get through, then I beg to differ. I doubt it's love you have, sounds like it's an ambition or pride you're trying to keep. Would you call it love, if you take her away from her family? Can you call it love, if you know she can no longer do things that she like? Is it love you have, if you take her to a family that can not welcome her. Even if she is willing, that only means she loves you more.

Khalil Gibran said, when two people are together. One always loves more than the other. Question is, which one do you want to be? I always want to be the one who loves more. For that reason, I would wait and prepare everything for her. I will not take her away from those who love her. I will not take away her happiness and things that make her happy. I will not let her enter a place that is not friendly to her.

I'd rather wait until the day comes it's safe for her to hold my hand and cross the bridge together.