At what cost?

For as long as I can remember, there are always people expecting things from me. No matter where I am, no matter what I do, no matter how good I did it, there's always someone else who expects me to be better. But what does it take to be better? what do we have to sacrifice just to list up the priority? does it really worth all the pain?

This is not the life I want to live. I worked double, only to be assigned with a heavier task. I never have time to be with the one I treasure the most. My biggest regret is that I never gave enough, I never praised her enough.

I know I commented her a lot, scolded her. But that was because I care for her the most. For I know nothing she did wrong would made me love her less. When I was away, there was nothing I wanted more then coming back to see her. When I missed having dinner together, I kept the faith in my heart, hoping that some day I could make it up.

Call me childish, call me naive, call me a fool, but I do believe in true love. One love, one person, for the rest of my life. You may call it a pipe dream, but that's what I wanted and that's what I want to be. My love is not for fun. I wouldn't say it if had no intention of keeping it forever.

Now it just seems impossible. No matter how hard tried, I always got pulled to a direction I don't want to go. I wish one problem only comes when the one I'm facing is solved. I have issues, I have problems on my own, I want to have my own time, I want to be with the one I love. But there are people who depend on me. I must not crumble, I must not break down or those who rely on me will crumble too. Being the first son, I have to look strong in front of my family. As I climb up the career ladder, my boss, my clients, my friends and colleagues would hold on to me even more.

Why do I have to lose ? Why do I have to give up hope? Because the best is yet to come? Even so shouldn't it be my choice whether or not I want to be with the best? Why do I have to pay the consequences for something I never wanted? I'm already here, 1000 miles away from home, away from my lovely nephew, away from my family who loves me. And my only joy was when I had her by my side. Why is it taken away from me?

If only my prayers were answered, I'd give up everything else. I wish the Lord would give me what I want instead of what I need. The fact that I don't want it means I don't need it now. I don't want to be with the best. What she is now, is enough for me. It's my choice, and I've made it along time ago.

A bridge too far

it's almost midnite. I've just finished praying. Tired, but my heart can't rest yet.
I've said it before I have no interest in war. but somehow that's the only title I can think of for now. I guess the battle in my heart isn't over yet.

I know writing about how difficult it s to think as an analyst from a programmer perspective is probably more useful. Plus, it helps reminding me of tasks I should have done. But for now. that thing would have to wait. I can't focus anyway. Not when my heart is like this.

Why a bridge? It's a symbol of a path to another place. Some bridges are never meant to be crossed. I'm afraid what I'm writing here is one of them.

To me, Love is more beautiful and convincing if it grows out of friendship. I want to be sure it's love that I have in my heart, not passion, not ambition, and not just a physical attraction. Even more important, I want her to see the real me. Not me pretending to be cool, or cheeky, or anything that I'm not. I need to know if she's going to accept me the way I am, be proud of what I am, just as I am proud of her.

From friendship to love is not an easy step. I always have doubt in my heart. If no one supports me, does it mean I'm not good enough for her? Is it alright to say it? when the love fails, we might never get back. Which one you value the most? Your friendship or your love in your heart? How can you be sure it wont fail? that your love will last forever?

I believe love is not blind. Love admits what she can be, and what she can not be. Everything that she is and is not. It doesn't overlook the weaknesses but receive them. Likewise, love sees the future, it sees the obstacles and recognize it. For the sake the one I dear the most, I would have made sure the burdens are easy to bear.

If you think love is all you need to get through, then I beg to differ. I doubt it's love you have, sounds like it's an ambition or pride you're trying to keep. Would you call it love, if you take her away from her family? Can you call it love, if you know she can no longer do things that she like? Is it love you have, if you take her to a family that can not welcome her. Even if she is willing, that only means she loves you more.

Khalil Gibran said, when two people are together. One always loves more than the other. Question is, which one do you want to be? I always want to be the one who loves more. For that reason, I would wait and prepare everything for her. I will not take her away from those who love her. I will not take away her happiness and things that make her happy. I will not let her enter a place that is not friendly to her.

I'd rather wait until the day comes it's safe for her to hold my hand and cross the bridge together.