If I could be...

If I could be a poet...I would have written poetry right now.
If I could be a song writer...I would have sing a song of my own.
But I'm nothing like an artist.

Whenever I'm sad, I sing songs...not of my own.
Whenever I'm glad, I sing, any song I could remember.
but they don't represent my words, my feeling, my sorrow and my hope.

If I could write a book, I would have written the story of my regrets.
All the joy and moments that I missed.
How I would trade it with anything, everything... for a brief of time to live it back again.

But I'm not a novelist.
all I can do is write some cheesy lines that no body seems to care.
Maybe it should never have been mentioned.

No, this is not about winning.
or being arrogant and refusing to give up.

This is me...surrendering.
trying to pave back my way to redemption.
Trying, with every strength I got.
Because I don't want to live with regrets of not trying it harder.

But I guess it doesn't matter.
I just wrote it down, in case someday someone might see, and would look at it for a while.

This day, last year..

Cellphone chain, new haircut, and chocolate.
It was Thursday. Hey, It's valentine day.

I joked about the new haircut.
Didn't look her in the eye cause I was just kidding.
bu guan ni de fa xing shi shen me, dui wo ni shi zui meili de nu sheng.

Chocolate was nice, couldn't remember taste. but I was happy.
Lost the cellphone chain after two weeks :((. I wasn't fond of adding accessories, but never meant to get rid of it either :((

Thank you for all the love given and shared.
Thank you for all the memories... I cherish them even though they are no longer mine.

Those are all I have. I will keep them...until my heart stops beating.

Happy Valentine.

What comes with the 9?

New year is over. A bit late for a resolution. Well, it’s Chinese New Year now, so I guess it’s alright. But I’m not sure I’m going to write one. Let’s start with a review. What happened before 9? What happened last year? Lots of things I taught OOP, lead a team. Not many projects. I also know the feeling of lost, regrets. For the first time in my life I feel completely useless despite every effort I make. I always try to give the best, to protect everyone I care. Time proves I failed. I wish I could be a good brother, a son my parents can depend on, a leader my men can trust. For the first time in my life I bow down to God and ask what’s happening to me.

When I’m doing all I can and result says I haven’t done anything. I feel tired very tired. When I fail, will someone help me? When I can’t be the son my parent want me, when I can’t be a brother they can rely on, I know they’ll accept me. After all they’re my family. But who will help us then?

When a leader failed, when can he turn to? I’ve bleed. I’ve faced the pressure and got crushed. Where can I turn for help? In an environment where everyone’s job is in the line, can the spirit of altruism grow?

I’m not super, I’m not perfect. Still I do hope there’s a little bit of me that useful. I know what I like. My passion to help others is still strong. I like teaching, training people. I’m happy to share what I know and I don’t mind if a trainee surpasses me. Would that be enough though?

I don’t know. As with the rest of the world, I’m facing this year with a little hope. That things will turns out beautiful in time. I got my PR this year. It was something I dreamed years ago. Yet, I’m not ready. As odd as it may sound I still want to stay a bit longer. I’m still hoping for a second chance.

What will happen? Can I stay longer? Will I have to give up my hope? Or will I have to give up my dream? To be honest I don’t mind, I don’t want it that much anymore. But the path is not only mine to choose. This year, I rest it In Him to lead the way. Meanwhile there's a lot of things I wish to write.

• Quality we can never afford
• Failure we can never accept: Result vs Effort
• Software Quality vs Project Quality

I just hope I'll have the time to write them.

I'm a dreamer

Note: I made this one a long time a go.
Somehow I forget or I decided not to post it :).
I post it now, to say thanks :)

What is a dream? why we have dreams? what's wrong with dreaming? I'm not a philosopher. Although I might be able to answer those questions myself, it's only true for me, most likely not the same for someone else. Whatever I'm writing here it reflects my own feeling.

If a dream is something we unconsciously want the most, I dream of her when I was in Perth twice. on the night of my birthday, and on the last night before I flew back to Bali.

Will I be persistent enough to chase my dream?

I thank a special friend of mine who gave me this prayer that I now pray every morning before I go to work and every night before I sleep.

" Lord grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change
The COURAGE to change the things that I can
And the WISDOM to know the difference "

At what cost?

For as long as I can remember, there are always people expecting things from me. No matter where I am, no matter what I do, no matter how good I did it, there's always someone else who expects me to be better. But what does it take to be better? what do we have to sacrifice just to list up the priority? does it really worth all the pain?

This is not the life I want to live. I worked double, only to be assigned with a heavier task. I never have time to be with the one I treasure the most. My biggest regret is that I never gave enough, I never praised her enough.

I know I commented her a lot, scolded her. But that was because I care for her the most. For I know nothing she did wrong would made me love her less. When I was away, there was nothing I wanted more then coming back to see her. When I missed having dinner together, I kept the faith in my heart, hoping that some day I could make it up.

Call me childish, call me naive, call me a fool, but I do believe in true love. One love, one person, for the rest of my life. You may call it a pipe dream, but that's what I wanted and that's what I want to be. My love is not for fun. I wouldn't say it if had no intention of keeping it forever.

Now it just seems impossible. No matter how hard tried, I always got pulled to a direction I don't want to go. I wish one problem only comes when the one I'm facing is solved. I have issues, I have problems on my own, I want to have my own time, I want to be with the one I love. But there are people who depend on me. I must not crumble, I must not break down or those who rely on me will crumble too. Being the first son, I have to look strong in front of my family. As I climb up the career ladder, my boss, my clients, my friends and colleagues would hold on to me even more.

Why do I have to lose ? Why do I have to give up hope? Because the best is yet to come? Even so shouldn't it be my choice whether or not I want to be with the best? Why do I have to pay the consequences for something I never wanted? I'm already here, 1000 miles away from home, away from my lovely nephew, away from my family who loves me. And my only joy was when I had her by my side. Why is it taken away from me?

If only my prayers were answered, I'd give up everything else. I wish the Lord would give me what I want instead of what I need. The fact that I don't want it means I don't need it now. I don't want to be with the best. What she is now, is enough for me. It's my choice, and I've made it along time ago.

A bridge too far

it's almost midnite. I've just finished praying. Tired, but my heart can't rest yet.
I've said it before I have no interest in war. but somehow that's the only title I can think of for now. I guess the battle in my heart isn't over yet.

I know writing about how difficult it s to think as an analyst from a programmer perspective is probably more useful. Plus, it helps reminding me of tasks I should have done. But for now. that thing would have to wait. I can't focus anyway. Not when my heart is like this.

Why a bridge? It's a symbol of a path to another place. Some bridges are never meant to be crossed. I'm afraid what I'm writing here is one of them.

To me, Love is more beautiful and convincing if it grows out of friendship. I want to be sure it's love that I have in my heart, not passion, not ambition, and not just a physical attraction. Even more important, I want her to see the real me. Not me pretending to be cool, or cheeky, or anything that I'm not. I need to know if she's going to accept me the way I am, be proud of what I am, just as I am proud of her.

From friendship to love is not an easy step. I always have doubt in my heart. If no one supports me, does it mean I'm not good enough for her? Is it alright to say it? when the love fails, we might never get back. Which one you value the most? Your friendship or your love in your heart? How can you be sure it wont fail? that your love will last forever?

I believe love is not blind. Love admits what she can be, and what she can not be. Everything that she is and is not. It doesn't overlook the weaknesses but receive them. Likewise, love sees the future, it sees the obstacles and recognize it. For the sake the one I dear the most, I would have made sure the burdens are easy to bear.

If you think love is all you need to get through, then I beg to differ. I doubt it's love you have, sounds like it's an ambition or pride you're trying to keep. Would you call it love, if you take her away from her family? Can you call it love, if you know she can no longer do things that she like? Is it love you have, if you take her to a family that can not welcome her. Even if she is willing, that only means she loves you more.

Khalil Gibran said, when two people are together. One always loves more than the other. Question is, which one do you want to be? I always want to be the one who loves more. For that reason, I would wait and prepare everything for her. I will not take her away from those who love her. I will not take away her happiness and things that make her happy. I will not let her enter a place that is not friendly to her.

I'd rather wait until the day comes it's safe for her to hold my hand and cross the bridge together.

Beijing huan ying ni

Everyone, have a look at this blog http://sanzz.wordpress.com/2008/06/12/bei-jing-huan-ying-ni/

I got the video clip form a friend of mine last week. I'd been searching for the lyric ever since, and finally found it with translation on the blog I mentioned above. "Welcome to Beijing" that's the loose translation for the title. It's the theme of Olympic game in Beijing 2008.

Although Beijin is not my home and might never be one (I'm an Indonesian by blood and by culture), I'm always fascinated by the Chinese growth and culture. The video shows them all. Versatile words of choice for the album, Rapid development of China, food, strong and varied traditions that survive for more than a thousand years. Surprisingly the video doesn't show any kungfu moves China was famous for.

I say this is the new look of China. Looks like everyone is happy with the result.

Salute Beijin for your creativity. Below is the lyric as I copy them.

北京欢迎你
Bei jing huan ying ni
Welcome to Beijing

迎接另一个晨曦，带来全新空气。陈天佳
Let’ s embrace another morning and enjoy its ever new air.
Ying jie ling yi ge chen xi, dai lai quan xin kong qi.

气息改变情味不变，茶香飘满情谊。刘欢
With the fragrance of tea, it smells different. But it feels great, full of friendship.
Qi xi gai bian qing wei bu bian, cha xiang tiao man qing yi.

我家大门常打开，开放怀抱等你。那英
Our door is always open. We are waiting for you open-armed.
Wo jia da men chang da kai, kai fang huai bao deng ni.

拥抱过就有了默契，你就会爱上这里。孙燕姿-Stefanie Sun
After a big hug, you’ll feel close with us. And surely you will love this place.
Yong bao guo jiu you le mo qi, ni jiu hui ai shang zhe li.

不管远近都是客人，请不用客气。孙悦
Our guests, no matter where you come from, please feel at home.
Bu guan yuan jin dou shi ke ren, qing bu yong ke qi.

相约好了在一起，我们欢迎你。王力宏-Wang Lee Hom
We promised to get together here. So welcome!
Xiang yue hao le zai yi qi, wo men huan ying ni.

我家种着万年青，开放每段传奇。韩红
We cultivate Chinese Evergreen in the garden. All the time, it is producing a new legend.
Wo jia zhong zhe wan nian qing, kai fang mei duan chuan qi.

为传统的土壤播种，为你留下回忆。周华健-Emil Chou
In the soil rich in traditions, we plant. Hope everything we plant here leaves you a great experience.
Wei chuan tong de tu rang bo zhong, wei ni liu xia hui yi.

陌生熟悉都是客人，请不用拘礼。梁咏琪
Our guests, no matter we’ve met before or not, please feel at ease.
Mo sheng shu xi dou shi ke ren, qing bu yong ju li.

第几次来没关系，有太多话题。羽泉
Even if you have been here for many times, you won’t feel bored ’cause we have vast new things for you.
Di ji ci lai mei guan xi, you tai duo hua ti.

北京欢迎你，为你开天辟地。成龙-Jackie Chan
Welcome to Beijing; we’ve done a lot for your visit.
Bei jing huan ying ni, wei ni kai tian bi di.

流动中的魅力，充满着朝气。任贤齐-Richie Ren
Its charm in ever changing is full of life.
Liu dong zhong de mei li, chong man zhe chao qi.

北京欢迎你，在太阳下分享呼吸。蔡依林-Jolin Tsai
Welcome to Beijing; let’s breathe together in the sunshine.
Bei jing huan ying ni, zai tai yang xia fen xiang hu xi.

在黄土地刷新成绩！孙楠
Let’s establish new records here in China.
Zai huang tu di shua xin cheng ji.

我家大门常打开，开怀容纳天地。周笔畅
Our door is always open. We are open armed, ready to embrace the world.
Wo jia da men chang da kai, kai huai rong na tian di.

岁月绽放青春笑容，迎接这个日期。韦唯
5000-year-old China is flashing a youthful smile, waiting for the day.
Sui yue zhan fang qing chun xiao rong, huan jie zhe ge re qi.

天大地大都是朋友，请不用客气。黄晓明-Huang Xiao Ming
Our guests, no matter where you come from, please feel at home.
Tian da di da dou shi peng you, qing bu yong ke qi.

画意诗意带笑意，只为等待你。韩庚-Hangeng from Super Junior
We paint pictures and write poems to express the joy for your coming.
Hua yi shi yi dai xiao yi, zhi wei deng dai ni.

北京欢迎你，像音乐感动你。汪峰
Welcome to Beijing; like moving music, our hospitality will warm your heart.
Bei jing huan ying ni, xiang ying yue gan dong ni.
让我们都加油去超越自己。莫文蔚-Karen Mok
Let’s try to challenge ourselves.
Rang wo men dou jia you qu chao yue zi ji.

北京欢迎你，有梦想谁都了不起。谭晶
Welcome to Beijing; people who have dreams are all bravo.
Bei jing huan ying ni, you meng xiang shei dou liao bu qi.

有勇气就会有奇迹。陈奕迅
If only you keep the courage, miracles will happen.
You yong qi jiu hui you qi ji.

北京欢迎你，为你开天辟地。阎维文
Welcome to Beijing; we’ve done a lot for your visit.
Bei jing huan ying ni, wei ni kai tian bi di.

流动中的魅力，充满着朝气。戴玉强
Its charm in ever changing is full of life.
Liu dong zhong de mei li, chong man zhe chao qi.

北京欢迎你，在太阳下分享呼吸。王霞, 李双松
Welcome to Beijing; let’s breathe together in the sunshine.
Bei jing huan ying ni, zai tai yang xia fen xiang hu xi.

在黄土地刷新成绩！廖昌永
Let’s establish new records here in China.
Zai huang tu di shua xin cheng ji.

北京欢迎你，像音乐感动你。林依轮
Welcome to Beijing; like moving music, our hospitality will warm your heart.
Bei jing huan ying ni, xiang ying yue gan dong ni.

让我们都加油去超越自己。张娜拉
Let’s try to challenge ourselves.
Rang wo men dou jia you qu chao yue zi ji.

北京欢迎你，有梦想谁都了不起。林俊杰-JJ Lin
Welcome to Beijing; people who have dreams are all bravo.
Bei jing huan ying ni, you meng xiang shei dou liao bu qi.

有勇气就会有奇迹。阿杜-Ah Du
If only you keep the courage, miracles will happen.
You yong qi jiu hui you qi ji.

我家大门常打开，开放怀抱等你。容祖儿-Joey Yung
Our door is always open. We are waiting for you open-armed.
Wo jia da men chang da kai, kai fang huai bao deng ni.

拥抱过就有了默契，你就会爱上这里。李宇春-Chris Li
After a big hug, you’ll feel close with us. And surely you will love this place.
Yong bao guo jiu you le mo qi, ni jiu hui ai shang zhe li.

不管远近都是客人，请不用客气。黄大炜-Huang Da Wei
Our guests, no matter where you come from, please feel at home.
Bu guan yuan jin dou shi ke ren, qing bu yong ke qi.

相约好了在一起，我们欢迎你。陈坤-Chen Kun
We promised to get together here. So welcome!
Xiang yue hao le zai yi qi, wo men huan ying ni.

北京欢迎你，为你开天辟地。谢霆锋-Nicholas Tse
Welcome to Beijing; we’ve done a lot for your visit.
Bei jing huan ying ni, wei ni kai tian bi di.

流动中的魅力，充满着朝气。韩磊
Its charm in ever changing is full of life.
Liu dong zhong de mei li, chong man zhe chao qi.

北京欢迎你，在太阳下分享呼吸。徐若瑄-Vivian Hsu
Welcome to Beijing; let’s breathe together in the sunshine.
Bei jing huan ying ni, zai tai yang xia fen xiang hu xi.

在黄土地刷新成绩！费翔
Let’s establish new records here in China.
Zai huang tu di shua xin cheng ji.

我家大门常打开，开怀容纳天地。汤灿
Our door is always open. We are open armed, ready to embrace the world.
Wo jia da men chang da kai, kai huai yi rong na tian di.

岁月绽放青春笑容，迎接这个日期。林志玲-Lin Ci Ling, 张梓琳
5000-year-old China is flashing a youthful smile, waiting for the day.
Sui yue zhan fang qing chun xiao rong, huan jie zhe ge re qi.

天大地大都是朋友，请不用客气。张靓颖
Our guests, no matter where you come from, please feel at home.
Tian da di da dou shi peng you, qing bu yong ke qi.

画意诗意带笑意，只为等待你。许茹芸, 伍思凯
We paint pictures and write poems to express the joy for your coming.
Hua yi shi yi dai xiao yi, zhi wei deng dai ni.

北京欢迎你，像音乐感动你。杨坤, 范玮琪-Fan Wei Qi
Welcome to Beijing; like moving music, our hospitality will warm your heart.
Bei jing huan ying ni, xiang ying yue gan dong ni.

让我们都加油去超越自己。游鸿明, 周晓欧
Let’s try to challenge ourselves.
Rang wo men dou jia you qu chao yue zi ji.

北京欢迎你，有梦想谁都了不起。沙宝亮, 满文军
Welcome to Beijing; people who have dreams are all bravo.
Bei jing huan ying ni, you meng xiang shei dou liao bu qi.

有勇气就会有奇迹。金海心, 何润东
If only you keep the courage, miracles will happen.
You yong qi jiu hui you qi ji.

北京欢迎你，为你开天辟地。飞儿-FIR, 庞龙
Welcome to Beijing; we’ve done a lot for your visit.
Bei jing huan ying ni, wei ni kai tian bi di.

流动中的魅力，充满着朝气。吴克群-Kenji Wu, 齐峰
Its charm in ever changing is full of life.
Liu dong zhong de mei li, chong man zhe chao qi.
北京欢迎你，在太阳下分享呼吸。5566, 胡彦斌-Anson Hu
Welcome to Beijing; let’s breathe together in the sunshine.
Bei jing huan ying ni, zai tai yang xia fen xiang hu xi.

在黄土地刷新成绩！郑希怡, 刀郎
Let’s establish new records here in China.
Zai huang tu di shua xin cheng ji.

北京欢迎你，像音乐感动你。纪敏加, 屠洪刚, 吴彤
Welcome to Beijing; like moving music, our hospitality will warm your heart.
Bei jing huan ying ni, xiang ying yue gan dong ni.

让我们都加油去超越自己。郭容, 刘耕宏, 腾格尔
Let’s try to challenge ourselves.
Rang wo men dou jia you qu chao yue zi ji.

北京欢迎你，有梦想谁都了不起。金莎, 苏醒, 韦嘉
Welcome to Beijing; people who have dreams are all bravo.
Bei jing huan ying ni, you meng xiang shei dou liao bu qi.

有勇气就会有奇迹。付丽珊, 黄征, 房祖明
If only you keep the courage, miracles will happen.
You yong qi jiu hui you qi ji.

北京欢迎你，有梦想谁都了不起。
Welcome to Beijing; people who have dreams are all bravo.
Bei jing huan ying ni, you meng xiang shei dou liao bu qi.

有勇气就会有奇迹。
If only you keep the courage, miracles will happen.
You yong qi jiu hui you qi ji.

北京欢迎你，有梦想谁都了不起。
Welcome to Beijing; people who have dreams are all bravo.
Bei jing huan ying ni, you meng xiang shei dou liao bu qi.

有勇气就会有奇迹！
If only you keep the courage, miracles will happen.
You yong qi jiu hui you qi ji.