If I could be...

If I could be a poet...I would have written poetry right now.
If I could be a song writer...I would have sing a song of my own.
But I'm nothing like an artist.

Whenever I'm sad, I sing songs...not of my own.
Whenever I'm glad, I sing, any song I could remember.
but they don't represent my words, my feeling, my sorrow and my hope.

If I could write a book, I would have written the story of my regrets.
All the joy and moments that I missed.
How I would trade it with anything, everything... for a brief of time to live it back again.

But I'm not a novelist.
all I can do is write some cheesy lines that no body seems to care.
Maybe it should never have been mentioned.

No, this is not about winning.
or being arrogant and refusing to give up.

This is me...surrendering.
trying to pave back my way to redemption.
Trying, with every strength I got.
Because I don't want to live with regrets of not trying it harder.

But I guess it doesn't matter.
I just wrote it down, in case someday someone might see, and would look at it for a while.

This day, last year..

Cellphone chain, new haircut, and chocolate.
It was Thursday. Hey, It's valentine day.

I joked about the new haircut.
Didn't look her in the eye cause I was just kidding.
bu guan ni de fa xing shi shen me, dui wo ni shi zui meili de nu sheng.

Chocolate was nice, couldn't remember taste. but I was happy.
Lost the cellphone chain after two weeks :((. I wasn't fond of adding accessories, but never meant to get rid of it either :((

Thank you for all the love given and shared.
Thank you for all the memories... I cherish them even though they are no longer mine.

Those are all I have. I will keep them...until my heart stops beating.

Happy Valentine.

What comes with the 9?

New year is over. A bit late for a resolution. Well, it’s Chinese New Year now, so I guess it’s alright. But I’m not sure I’m going to write one. Let’s start with a review. What happened before 9? What happened last year? Lots of things I taught OOP, lead a team. Not many projects. I also know the feeling of lost, regrets. For the first time in my life I feel completely useless despite every effort I make. I always try to give the best, to protect everyone I care. Time proves I failed. I wish I could be a good brother, a son my parents can depend on, a leader my men can trust. For the first time in my life I bow down to God and ask what’s happening to me.

When I’m doing all I can and result says I haven’t done anything. I feel tired very tired. When I fail, will someone help me? When I can’t be the son my parent want me, when I can’t be a brother they can rely on, I know they’ll accept me. After all they’re my family. But who will help us then?

When a leader failed, when can he turn to? I’ve bleed. I’ve faced the pressure and got crushed. Where can I turn for help? In an environment where everyone’s job is in the line, can the spirit of altruism grow?

I’m not super, I’m not perfect. Still I do hope there’s a little bit of me that useful. I know what I like. My passion to help others is still strong. I like teaching, training people. I’m happy to share what I know and I don’t mind if a trainee surpasses me. Would that be enough though?

I don’t know. As with the rest of the world, I’m facing this year with a little hope. That things will turns out beautiful in time. I got my PR this year. It was something I dreamed years ago. Yet, I’m not ready. As odd as it may sound I still want to stay a bit longer. I’m still hoping for a second chance.

What will happen? Can I stay longer? Will I have to give up my hope? Or will I have to give up my dream? To be honest I don’t mind, I don’t want it that much anymore. But the path is not only mine to choose. This year, I rest it In Him to lead the way. Meanwhile there's a lot of things I wish to write.

• Quality we can never afford
• Failure we can never accept: Result vs Effort
• Software Quality vs Project Quality

I just hope I'll have the time to write them.